The First Question
by BasiliskRules
Summary: The fans speculated the hell out of it. Why not the characters? Series 6.


**I don't know how it became customary to declare that we own nothing; methinks it should be really quite obvious.**

* * *

 **-O-**

It was morning, somewhere, probably; and Amy Pond wandered into the TARDIS console room suppressing a yawn.

The Doctor was nowhere to be seen, but then, suddenly, there was a loud, metallic, rumbling noise and a dirty hand holding a screwdriver popped up from underneath the console, swiftly followed by the disheveled upper half of a body.

"There, fixed it! Okay now?!"

The Doctor emerged completely from the impossibly small space he had squeezed himself into, and stumbled to support himself on the railing, panting and with an exasperated expression on his face. However, at her sight, he cheered up immediately.

"Amy, at last! Why do you humans need so many hours of sleep, I'll never know!"

"Actually we don't", she countered. "It's just that we don't normally spend so much time running for our lives from aliens and monsters. Oh, and we are _not_ going to that planet _ever_ again", she added.

"Amy, I promised."

"Good".

The Doctor walked to his tweed jacket, which had been carelessly thrown across the console and was hanging precariously from the scanner, then looked at the state of his hands, thought better of it, and turned back to her.

"Is Rory awake? I'm going to go make you two breakfast, okay?" he beamed.

"Oh, no."

"Pond, my cooking skills are excellent", he protested with a hurt expression.

"You blew up half the kitchen last time!"

"It wasn't my fault! I mean, those were exploding mushrooms, why do they even have those…"

"Just…tea and scones this time, or some cereal, or something like that, please?"

"Alright, alright, done," he shrugged. "I'll surprise you!" he shouted as he bounded off excitedly to the kitchen.

"Don't!" she shouted after him.

* * *

All alone, Amy leaned on the railing and looked around, silently praying that the low hum of the TARDIS would not –for once- be disturbed by screams and exploding noises any time soon.

She had just suppressed another yawn and started absentmindedly playing with the sleeve of the abandoned tweed, when she noticed several crumbled sheets of paper, three books and several pens thrown in a jumbled, messy pile near the blue stabilizers.

Curious, she picked up a piece of paper at random, unfolded it carefully and among many smudges and unintelligible crossed out parts, read the following:

.

.

.

 ** _THE QUESTION!_**

"First question. The oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight."

Wow. That's very helpful, thank you very much, I'm getting murdered here WHAT IS IT

(Where's Waldo?) No, even the Silence couldn't possibly want to kill me over something that stupid, FOCUS.

 _(Rab - (1/2)gabR = (8πG/c4)Tab) . Recurring eight-dimensional oscillation._

 _Then, H to the enabling power equals V/s. Let period = x. Let V equal 3. Interesting. Assume a(dx) + b =  
_

This is not working.

.

 **Possible candidates:**

1\. What is the speed of darkness?

 _How is that helpful, or the oldest question in the universe or hidden in plain sight it's not_

2\. What is the sound of one hand clapping?

3\. What came first: chicken or egg?

 _Yeah, because as we all know, philosophical riddles cause universes to explode_

4\. Who shot JFK? WAIT, I KNOW THAT, but why would they care

5\. What did Bill Murray whisper to Scarlett Johansson at the end of _Lost in Translation_?

6\. Who or what is Godot? Why are they waiting for him? Will he ever come?

 _Beckett. Impossible man. Horrible backgammon player. **Note to self:** Revisit and ask him._

7\. What does God need with a starship?

8\. Brain and brain! What is brain?

( _"an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating centre of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity.")_

9\. _Have_ the lambs stopped screaming?

10\. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 _(I don't think the Silence can even pronounce that properly.)_

 _Dammit, I can't either. **PRACTICE LATER, SAY IT THREE TIMES FAST**_

11\. What was in that package in _Cast Away_?

12\. How _did_ the Joker get his scars?

13\. (batman voice) WHERE IS HE? Oh, come on, this is serious

14\. WHY THE HELL AM I NOT GINGER YET? That is MY question!

15\. What is Tom Bombadil?

16\. Where did Randagast and the two blue wizards go?

17\. Where have all the good men gone and where are all the Gods?  
Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?  
Late at night I toss and I turn  
And I dream of what I need

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero  
'Til the end of the night  
He's gotta be strong  
And he's gotta be fast  
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

Okay, brain, enough, this is getting silly.

But wow, I know it all by heart, who knew!

Well, it _is_ very catchy.

18\. What was in the Sugar Bowl, exactly?

19\. What's in the suitcase from Pulp Fiction?  
(Shiny?...)

20\. To be or not to be? "That is the Question"! Literally! IT SAYS SO!

I JUST BLEW MY MIND

Genius, thy name is hot Time Lord over here, hell yeah.

Nah, too obvious

 **Note:** **Revisit Shakespeare just to be sure**

nice fellow anyway

21\. Did the spinning top fall at the end of Inception?

 _I **MUST** KNOW, SILENCE CAN GO FALL ALL IT LIKES_

 _FROM BLOODY MOUNT PERDITION FOR ALL I CARE_

22\. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

23\. Which one of the bottles was poisoned in "A Study in Pink"?

 _(They were both poisoned, silly. The cabbie had built up an immunity to iocane powder. Come on, it's obvious. So, thank God for John!)_

24\. What is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow?

Wait, I can calculate that!

Nearest planet with swallows

 **ABORTED:** **WHATEVER THEIR SPEED, THEY ARE WAY TOO FAST AND ONE STOLE MY SONIC**

3rd time I lose it this week, Sexy is getting annoyed

 _ **NOTE: ** Repair the helmic regulator and buy some new Roundels to appease her_

Also ask her to calculate the velocity

What if you just ask if it's an African or a European one?

HOW'S THAT FOR AN ANSWER

Like the Silence would ever have a sense of humour.

Got a problem? LET'S POISON THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF IT AND BLOW UP THE UNIVERSE = LOGIC, OF COURSE

Order of bloody Spocks, here we come

25\. Why are the odd-numbered Star Trek films always bad?

 ** _I TOLD YOU, FIXED POINT, I'M SORRY_**

 _._

 _._

 _._

"SURPRIS- What the hell?"

The Doctor walked back into the room carrying a cool-and-superbly-cooked-breakfast-stuffed food tray and wearing an enormous chef's hat, to the sound of someone apparently dying of laughter.

A pyjama-clad Rory was reading something with great interest and an amused look on his face, while Amy was sitting doubled over on the stairs and making valiant, simultaneous efforts to breathe and to stop laughing.

"Oh. That".

There was an awkward almost silence.

"I liked number 22", Rory commented, walking up to her. Amy's brave efforts failed.

"OH MY GOD A HA HA HA HAAA!"

The Doctor made an embarrassed, exasperated noise. "It's not that funny!"

There was more laughter.

"I mean, really".

Rory joined in.

He slammed the tray down in annoyance.

"I WAS _BORED_ , AMY!"

.

.

-the end-

* * *

 **Kudos to anyone who gets _all_ the references.**


End file.
